dealing with financially irresponsible family members

Im glad your parents are financially stable, but stop and think of the others that did not grow up in the same financial situation as you did. good luck. Facing this scenario with MIL. Theyve been irresponsible their entire adult lives from the time I was a senior in college. They would get food & shelter and the least they could do in return is to provide free baby sitting and house cleaning services in exchange. If a parent is so selfish to raise their children by depriving them of financial sustainability and neglecting parenting to live their lives. Living on oatmeal in an apartment in the ghetto, which was the best I could do after her absentee parenting, was much too impoverished for her. However, my divorced parents sold our family home when I was 12. After I left home, they started spending. This concern crossed my mind a while ago. my parents i would help yes. Its called living in a false economy and it can sabotage financial responsibility. I retired early through financial responsibility even with having less than a 6 figure salary. I try not to blame them but do find myself wondering why, when we have been so destitute throughout our lives did my mom not work? Especially for that small percentage of parents from the old country that see children as the help.. A child is a one way investment, period. For one, theres a good chance you wont be able to get them to pay you back. Thank you for your post and to all who commented here. Your reply lacks compassion for this grown child so I suppose you may have something in common with the selfish old parent who now wants a free ride. They were once rich, but several bad business and personal decisions have severely depleted their wealth. Are you stupid? Building Connected Insurance Offerings Starts With Customer-Focused Innovation, Model Portfolio & SMA Strategists Selection Guide, The 2022 TAMP GROWTH SUMMIT | RECEIVE 1.5 HRS CE CREDIT, 2022 America's Most Advisor Friendly Trust Companies, America's Best Trust Technology Buyers Guide 2021-2022. In general, I took one of two approaches: I either found ways to minimize the ability of financially irresponsible people to affect my finances or I gently minimized their role in my life. What you can do about it: Talk to your daughter. They eat out three times a day. Our parents have also helped her out over the years but none of us know what to do. every bit of it is true. Shes constanly asking relatives for money, constanly borrowning money from the church, and from my sister and I. Theyre over a year behind in their mortgage and currently facing foreclosure (duh!) My dad has worked HARD all of my life, mother would work only during the holidays and almost always quit the day after christmas. also i have seen many illegal alien females who support themselves and their kids with out any problems they have regular jobs they just get paid cash.. so today after so many times my parents have asked for money i finally said no and i dont feel guilty actually i feel anger because they have been so lazy for so long asking for money from me and my 4 other siblings wich they will never pay back i spoke to them about my bills and my family and my needs its not my fault they were lazy for so many years and they have to find another source of income because since i can remember they have never moved a single muscle for the money they get its the either their kids or a disability check who pays their bills they need to get off their ass and make some money no fukin excuses . And manipulation involves control and coercion. Thats because, in each and every case, financially irresponsible people can leverage aspects of your life beyond your finances to encourage you to make poor financial choices. So, they spend too much given how much they earn. To put it bluntly my father left my mother there for a week while he stayed out in hotels and finally got his own apartment then came back to tell me from day 1 he could feel the evil in my house and he would never speak to me or my family again. They insisted. My parents have withdrawn all the money from their retirement accounts to keep the house and some other things. Shortly after that, she had maxed out the cards again. Mom, I love you, but you better stop spending all your money because I refuse to sacrifice my life and marriage for your luxuries. You can offer to pay for a visit to a financial planner, you can get her paperwork in order so you can put her in a home health care situation/make decision when needed, but do not mortgage your happiness for an irresponsible parent! But I encourage you to change your focus, which we all can just by doing it. The parents are young early fifties ,,,,my boyfriend was crazy young when they made him start working . how to deal with parent guilting using bible/scripture? Dealing with Financially Irresponsible Family Members A: It's truly hard to help family members who don't have a good handle on their finances and seem confused by the basics: Spend less than you make, bank the rest. From what is on the net it looks like they believe it will get to be a bigger and bigger problem. my mom is the same way but she has wormed her way into my house for the last 2 years and she is little by little digging my family in to a hole. For starters, its important to remember that theyre the young ones with many years of life ahead of them. Another parent (parent 2) is not married and has worked as little as possible. On the other hand would we let them die in the streets? Why not tell them to shape up? So, its best to have a plan and stick to it, especially when dealing with financially irresponsible family members. I moved as far away as I could at the age of 17 and by the time I was 30, I had given them a car that I had paid off, sent them money countless times and now Im getting some passive-aggressive guilt trip because they want to retire and my husband and I are retired at 40. Have you ever been abandoned? Undermine their involvement - Sometimes the best defense is a smashing offense! 10 Tips for Back-to-School Shopping on a Budget. If you can have a healthy money discussion about your differences in spending and can come up with a good strategy that has some compromise in it for both of you, then thats a good sign for your long term relationship. Lucky, she still own a house with him and she asked me for $50 bucks on and off now. She may have to go into a government program. Thankfully my parents are pretty safe with their finances. Thats not allI have lived with them in 2 other locations in the past year, giving them money because of the expensive things they choose to finance. That is why my mother is dependent on me now. % of people told us that this article helped them. She retired at 62 so she could have a new car. Why its a problem: Either this relative truly doesnt get it, or they are taking advantage of your generosity. This happens every other month when she decides to stop taking her medications properly and goes through psychosis and takes out money she doesnt have. If it makes your family uncomfortable for them to move in, its not an option period end of discussion. Just make sure youre available. Im the only child who has any amount of empathy for them. (I borrowed a small amount of money from them only once shortly after moving out and I repaid the loan.) @ERHR I can completely relate you having to unlearn lessons. But make sure you arent placing their needs ahead of your own or your own childrens. Aside from his son paying his rent, he has very little money, save for a few dollars from social security. The only difference between my generation and yours is that yours raised ours and anything that you dont like is a direct reflection of your generationss actions and inactions. Get out of debt, build some savings and take care of kids. With my parents, yes, I would support them if necessary. Realistically, Im not too sure she can actually afford to live there on her new wage (which may last some time as shes new to the country) and its a pretty miserable apartment as it is, there isnt really anything cheaper she could step down to. So once they hit bottom in the next two years, they will have no problem showing up on my door steps asking me to take them in. Im only 51. Family member financial obligation should depend on your relationship and if you can afford to. The time is coming in the very near future that they will be asking for a nice sum of money. Your answers are not going to be easy. Worst part is, mom keeps asking me for money to supplement my sisters mistakes (extravagat wedding, divorce, DUI, blah blah). Thats how you break a cycle. Dont be afraid to update your social circle. Be present and direct. Good luck everyone. Me parents did well financially until my senior year in college, when they lost their business. Your mother embezzled, racked up $40K in CC debt, and stole your identity? They are both healthy and have stable jobs with years of tenure. It is raising and nurturing that do and that is what makes a parent worthy of honor. Taking that a step further, what if they were 100% capable of earning an income to delay withdrawing from a tiny nest egg, but instead choose to not work at all and live now off of their paltry savings, knowing full well that in a few years they would be 100% dependent on their children or other family members? And were ignorantly or purposefully negligent in their financial decisions. I guess since Ive always had to fend for myself, this seems foreign to me. Just like they were. Not only that, but she guilt trips her son into feeling bad for her. For 25 long years they have treated my husband I like we dont exist. One theme I see a lot is that if parents are fiscally responsible and do their best to prepare for their retirement, the kids tend to be willing to help them if they run into unexpected and extreme financial difficulties. I knew back then that she would have no real retirement and that if I did not want her living with me I had better start saving for that. Yes. We ourselves are struggling w/ what we have so I think the best that I could do is to allow my parents to live w/ us in our house. Oh, and they also spent oodles of money supporting my lame brother-in-law who only wants to party and drink and get tattoos. The constitution will very likely come up, you will hear, This is a free country. As to my position, I dont mind helping my parents if I can financially handle it and if they show respect. Plus her for the passed 2 years! Im not going to enable anybodys bad habits but I do think things should be looked at on a case by case basis as we do have a familial responsibility. The biggest issue is that older people make excuses for their choices, and call the youth ungrateful for dealing with what was left behind. Equal distributions with trust planning and oversight are a more fundamentally fair approach to maintain family harmony. She now lives off of a relatively small amount of social security, waning support from the ex-boyfriend, and occasional cash infusions from sales of her jewelry and help from my sister and me. Meanwhile her house is on a mortgage so can not be put up for sale, and her car is not paid for so not an asset that can be sold to help pay for her expenses. When dealing with financially irresponsible parents, you may react strongly with anger, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety, guilt, stress, irritation or a bunch of mixed feelings. Most of us in our 20s and 30s are still building for your own future. Anyway, the bottom line is that my father and mother assume we will supplement their waysagain with no change on their part. Butive told our kids of the situation- if i ever become that irresponsible & selfish they should push my wheelchair off a cliff. Its safe to say that this situation has ruined my life. Ever since i can remember My parents never worked my dad said he had many jobs and worked in many places but he got a epileptic attacks and filed for disability my mother was an illegal alien and made up yhe excuse that she couldnt work because of her status. What you can do about it: Once you give someone money, its near-impossible to dictate how they use it. After a year or so she got sick of working and quit her part time job. And, as a relevant comment, I would absolutely NOT support my parent that has made VERY poor financial decision his entire life, yet somehow still found a way to belittle my success. Dont just say that you dont want to continue the tradition because that appears as though youre rejecting them and not rejecting the expensive routine. In fact, that should be down the list of steps you take when confronted with a request for financial assistance. You cant help anyone else until you have helped yourself. They have retirement savings, but not nearly as much as I think they should by this point. extremely self-centered individuals know every trick in the book, to keep their family members giving and giving and giving, and they do not care about anyones future but their own. In the end she became so abusive and nasty that at the time I didnt see any other option but to acquiesce to her demands, as it looked like she was drinking and smoking herself to death. It can be awkward to mix family and money issues, whether its loaning money to a struggling relative or dealing with competitive or irresponsible spending. Needless to say, Im carrying around quite a lot of resentment. My brother thought my father was a bad, messed up dad and person but he actually is more like him than he knows. Hell make more money panhandling at Stop & Shop than he would at a real job, at least. If it were my parents or his father, I would bend over backward to help them as they have worked very hard and saved hard their whole lives. Just found out, my mom is still spending and increasing her credit card debt. forgetfulness. I feel absolutely screwed by them. Just like parents kicking their kids out of the house to encourage them to financially support themselves, wouldnt there be some terms and conditions you would want to dictate before giving them support? I have not had the opportunity to travel or explore because there has been no money available. Thanks to several weeks of seeing occupational health nurses, doctors, behavioral counsellors and shrinks, I now have the means to turn my life around. Help them with household chores. :-) good luck all! To me, this is a case of a parent who does not seem to know how to look out for anyones well-being, whether her childrens or her own, so my sister and I have to be careful and look out for ourselves. If you cant have a civil discussion about a rough edge in your marriage without resorting to a screaming match with personal attacks being thrown back and forth, you need to seek a marriage counselor who can help you reach a point where you can have civil conversations with the type of communication that a healthy marriage needs. I will have none of that entitlement thing. I agree that the generation X/Y (of which I am a part) will be placed into a financial crisis as we enter the retirement era of our parents. Also most people just dont have an extra 1000 to kick to their parents a month. I was concerned for her health and knew I would have to take care of her one day, but sometimes I think I should have let her just have happen to her whatever would have happened. I have not been able to hold down a relationship because the men I meet can not cope with my stressful situation. Probably. U talking about hurt, let me tell u, 3 ppl Ive fought so hard 4, is now the 3 ppl I have 2 fight with the most! Offer to help in ways that don't involve money so you can show your support without adding money to the mix. Everyone needs to find a way to be able to live the way they want to live. My dad been telling all his friends that he doesnt get a dime from me and implied that Im being ungrateful. Make plans without telling them. If you think you could live your lives as financial disasters for decades and be failures as parents or even (as some in this thread have mentioned) abandon your children and have the audacity to expect them to financially support you in your old age you are in for a VERY rude awakening when things come full circle for you. But like those are words. If I know they are ok I dont think I would ever want to see them again I would phone them ones a year from a enynomous line in case they trace where I stay. The youngest son works. Do all you can to become independent unless you want your child to resent you, be stressed over your actions or lack their of, or be dead weight. I do feel it is my duty to care for them, but it not my duty to give them any lifestyle they desire. They had just been on a very expensive cruise in Antartica and bought an Audi estate car. At that time which was 20+ years ago his mother moved back home with her parents who took care of her every need from 1998 (her father died) till November 2018 when her mother at 98 passed away. Level up your tech skills and stay ahead of the curve. Once youre able to sit down and discuss the issue in a healthy fashion, the thing to realize is that this isnt an issue of right or wrong, but differing values. Like a stray dog, he will keep returning. Time to love yourself and stop being codependant. All the older ones has to do was to buy a house and hold on to that house and they would be wealthy enough to retire.